You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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