I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
