There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
