YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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