this beer tastes like vomit already
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
