If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
