I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
