woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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