You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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