I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
we're so committed to being not committed
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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