can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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