I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
