I puked a lego.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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