Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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