nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
