I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
4 words: hood of his car
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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