I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
