My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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