My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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