Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
