the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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