whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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