There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
