Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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