Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
