My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
