grandma shit on top of the toilet
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Floor bacon is actually really good
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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