I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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