btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
