Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
