My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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