so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
