The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
