i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
