So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
