So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
