Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
