Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize