Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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