I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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