I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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