you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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