i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
