If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
