shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
