just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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