Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My balls are so social today.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
whose ass print is on the piano?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
