the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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