do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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