I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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