He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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