On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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