There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
