my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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