Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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